Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Goodbye June! Don't Let the Screen Door Hit You in the Butt on the Way Out.

Okay, pretend we're talking. Okay, here goes:

YOU: Oh, hello Jesslyn! haven't heard from you in for pretty much ever. What have you been doing that you're not writing entertaining and self absorbed blog posts for Me, your semi-faithful reader?

ME: OH, HI SEMI-FAITHFUL READER! I've been remiss, I know. But you know why? Because my life is a HOCKEY BAG FULL OF FLAMING NUTBALLS right now. No, seriously. It is. You know how I know? Because I just made the whole concept of flaming nutballs up just this second. So I'm entitled to use it in any way I feel is appropriate.

But here it is 10:40 Pm, so let me list Some Things That Happened to Jesslyn in June (in order of importance):

1. Bryan came home for good--yaaaaay!

2. The Prius broke. That's right, Toyota fans--at the moment my traitorous though comfortable friend Whitey the Prius is but a useless, Prius-shaped pile of state of the art Japanese engineering taking up valuable driveway space. And you know how much it's going to cost to fix it? (You got pearls on ladies? Because you best get ready to clutch them.) Four Thousand, Five Hundred Dollars!!!! For a new transaxle-or-whatever-thingy! I didn't even do anything wrong!! I did it all right!! I paid them all of my money to make sure this would never happen! Damn right, it's unjust. Flagrantly unjust.

3. Odessa started walking! And dancing! This is only #3 in order of importance because we knew it was going to happen eventually. But Sweet Toaster Strudels, is she ever cute. To wit:

4. Paddle Georgia came and went. So, I'm going to have to write a whole nother post about Paddle Georgia some day because it deserves it. But basically, each year the organization I work for takes 350 people between the ages of 5 and 80 down a different river in Georgia by kayak and canoe for a week (participants paddle between 80-100 miles, depending on the year). My job--so far as I can ascertain--is to keep track of 300 people's children, socks and toiletry bags, to administer First Aid to dehydrated people, and to field complaints about what flavor potato chips are being served for lunch that day. For an entire week.

Yeah, so that happened.

5. We're in the process of buying a Subaru Outback. Oh God, what am I doing?

6. My sweet Ruby Bear stopped eating for a while this month. She's a 10 year old, 95 lb. Rottweiler. Then we started feeding her wet food. And suddenly she's allll better. So, that's taken care of.

7. I was feeling like an armadillo carcass the first couple of days of Paddle Georgia, so I went to the hospital in Royston, Georgia (my friend Mary who lives in Royston told me later that I might as well have gone to the large animal veterinarian, and I think there might be something to that...). Anyway, besides verifying that I was, in fact, not pregnant (because that's what is usually wrong with women when they don't feel good, don't you know?) and that I definitely should not still be nursing my 16 month old because that's just weird, they gave me a giant steroid shot in my butt and sent me on my way. NOW I see why the baseball players love that stuff! The next morning I woke up and felt like I could vaccuum a football field.

8. I turned on the air conditioner in my house. Saints Be Praised!

9. My cat Babesby got like this gross pizza-face acne on the back of his ears and now I have to wash them with my face soap every night and massage them with Benzoyl Peroxide. He loooooves it. (yep--sarcasm.)

10. I have the worst hang nails.... It's seriously impairing my nail polishing activities. And you know I hate that.

ME: So, that's my excuse.

YOU: Oh.


  1. Hmmm, a serious case of constault, ie acting together...stupidly.

    Glad you're over your battery car...sell the batteries for more than you paid for it...and make a down payment on a bigger house.

    A nice fresh organically grown tomatoe for free, and the time to eat it might take the place of the steroid shot next time. and YES the Royston facility does acts as a large animal clinic...and was named for a baseball player...Ty Cobb. Glad you are pounding the keys again...


  2. dammit i just wrote a comment and stupid blogger erased it ...
    um here's the gist: if i had to deal with all the crap in your life i might just cash my chips in a move to biminy or something. i hope all the good stuff balances out the bad. i'm glad you family is reunited. did bryan do good out there? and as for the outback - just make sure you get one with a good service record! and i miss you - thanks for the call yesterday - i was at pilates so i'll call you back sometime soon?

  3. wonder woman is getting pants!
    but i like your picture too

  4. You know, I had seen that video of Odessa before, but tonight it hit my funny bone REALLY hard. Especially the leg kick. What a gem. Woo-lawd! Can't wait to see y'all.