Friday, May 25, 2012

Let's Propose to David!

Okay, I can tell you now.

So, what we actually did our slumber party last week was plan an elaborate ruse to trick David into marrying Kerry! Yes, the David I share my studio with and Kerry, who is My Sweet Keggy!


Well, so, every once in a while Keggs gets drunk and says "You guys, should I propose to David?" It happened the first time about a year ago at a bar. I ripped a piece of paper out of my notebook and started taking notes for her. The note was entitled "LET'S PROPOSE TO DAVID!" and Keggs has been carrying it around in her wallet since then.  See!? Unnecessary note taking is useful!

Then early last week, I was walking down Milledge and Kerry came bicycling toward me with a red nose.  I could tell she had been crying, which is totally no biggie because she's a crier. One time she cried watching two little white dogs chasing each other at a baseball game. One time she and I both cried while I was telling her about this photo I saw of a chimpanzee hugging lady.  Anyway, I wasn't alarmed, but she stopped her bike and said she had just been talking to a friend about proposing to David.  And I was like, "Huh! and you haven't even had one glass of wine!"  Stone cold sober, she was.

Anyway, so at our grown-ass woman slumber party last week, Keggs requested that I put "Proposing to David" as the #1 item on our agenda, so I did.  And my stars, did we ever talk about proposing to David. I honestly can't believe that we got to any of the other agenda items.  I have a quarter of a little Molskine full of pros-cons lists, flow charts, maps, primary and secondary maneuvers, and at least one Venn diagram.  That night, Keggs, Darla and I made losing the battle of proposing to David a tactical impossibility.

The next morning we went down to the train tracks and did this:

Which was the funnest thing ever.  I mean, look how excited me and Darla are:

That's not cool laughing; that's geeky, Vampire Diaries fans at DragonCon laughing.

Anyway, per our comprehensive, multimodal plan, on Monday Keggy tricked David into walking with her down to the railroad tracks.  Once there, he was to get proposed to, and if he said "yes," he'd get rerouted to the romantic picnic Darla and I had set up in a nearby forest glade.  He basically didn't stand a chance.

Despite the fact that I didn't actually see the proposal, I  have it on good authority that he accepted, 'cause look!


Hurray! Mazel tov, dudes!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Monday Morning Tip

Hello again.  You're obviously here because you have nothing better to do.  So let me give you a hot tip: when I'm bored or distracted, I compulsively have a computer read my tarot cards!  If that doesn't sound rewarding, that's because you're crazy.

This morning I've been having a hard time getting started writing about the Great Pacific Trash Vortex, so I moseyed on over to's incredible computerized gypsy and was like, "Sooooo, website.  What's Life got in store for me today?" You know, just your basic Past-Present-Futre spread.  Nothing fancy.

And, Lo!  The Internet presented me with the following:

Past: Ace of Pentacles.  You were given an amazing opportunity.  
Present: The Empress.  You are a goddamn paragon of womanhood. The fact that people don't ask your advice more often is a mystery.
Future: Eight of Pentacles.  You're fixing to start killing it at life here in a minute.

Woah, thanks Inanimate Machine!  I'll take it!  Back to the trash vortex!

Oh, you don't have to thank me.  Thank The Internet.


Wait: on second thought, please do not have the computer read your tarot cards more than 5 times in a row. It will mess with your finely-calibrated handle on reality and lead you to conclusions like:

Past: You've spent your entire life like a baby kitten on LSD, cavorting in a field of flowers.
Present: You think you're so hot, right?
Future: Everybody's about to abandon you! You will never love again! Though your genitals may be touched from time to time, your life will be a cold, lonesome DOOM CAVE.

So, watch out for that.  But otherwise, have fun!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Slumber Party

I make lists.  Not the kind of lists you think I mean: grocery lists or to-do lists.  I don't make those.  Should, But Don't (SBD).

By lists, I just mean I think in bulleted points.  During conversation, I generally let the other person finish before saying something like, "Okay, I want to say three things...."

I also like making Top 5 lists and agendas for things that don't need agendas. Whatever, I'm a Capricorn Fire Snake: it's purported that I'd make a great jeweler, I should avoid Leo Metal Tigers, and that I'm unapologetic about doing things like making agendas for slumber parties.

Oh! And speaking of slumber parties, I had one on Friday.  Bryan and Odessa thoughtfully went to Atlanta so Darla and Kerry could come over and spend the night with me.  It was a slumber party for three grown-ass women. Here's the agenda:

18 May 2012
  1. Toenails painted
  2. Update on Dar's man (he's 21, so everything he does is unspeakably adorable and hilarious. Dar's 11 years older than him, so the situation is fodder for all the best jokes that were ever made.  I've made like 7 of the Top 10 Funniest Jokes in History just in the past week! I'm mostly just jealous.)
  3. Drink wine, all the colors
  4. Make cookies with salt
  5. Validate the living shit out of:
    1. Dar
    2. Keggy
    3. Jesslyn
  6. Investigate Keggy's $1,000,000 book idea
  7. Come up with a new name for Vic that starts with an "s."
  8. Craft with pizza boxes (masks? birthday presents?)
  9. Edible scavenger hunt
  10. Make Keggy say dirty things in Spanish*:
And we did all that stuff! Plus, Darla folded all the clothes in my bureau so now I'm afraid to touch them.  In fact I'm wearing all dirty things right now because all my clean things intimidate me.   And we also planned a special event that I can't tell you about now, but I will next time. I want to tell you about it really bad, but I can't, but it basically involved us riding that Pony called Life, which is always a good feeling.  We should do that more.

Don't worry, I took notes.

*Translation: I'm going to read my book so deeply that my testicles read it also.  The meaning's not important.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Me, You and Drew

You and Drew
You probably wanted to know how I like my new studio, right?  Of course you did.

Well, it's not mine, actually: I share it with David and Drew; they're both comic book artists.  David has been gone for a few weeks, so it's just been me and Drew recently, but today all three of us were in there.  And you know what I found out? Comic book artists talk a lot about monsters.

To wit:

David: I think I'm going to change this storyline because I don't like how the monster looks. 

Drew: Lemmee see it.

David: See, it's not very scary.

Drew: Yeaaah. Maybe you could make it scarier? I like that it's trying to eat the ghost cat, though, so you shouldn't change the storyline.

David: You like it? Okay, I'll add some hair and maybe some scary boobs.


David: You want a sticker? I'm keeping the best one, but you can have this weird one of a guy stabbing a walking fish with a spear.

Drew: Sure. Thanks.

So, that's basically how it goes.  David thinks we should start a sitcom called Me, You and Drew about our workplace antics.  I guess we could, but I don't think anybody would watch it.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Dental Woes

I went to the dentist today.  Basically this lady sprayed sand all over my face and then poked my gums with needles and razors.  Then I paid them $124.

Sometimes people ask me, "do you like your dentist?" And I'm like, "no."  And they're all, "how come?" And that's when I have to explain that it's nothing personal: I hate all dentists.  Mine's not special. Dentists are just the worst people in the world.  No, I take that back: dental hygienists are the worst people in the world. Dentists are the second worst. And the third worst are the ladies who work at the front desk at the dentist's office.

So, I'm prone to cavities and I grind my teeth! What of it? Here's what of it: I end up having to be one of those people who actually flosses and gets my teeth professionally cleaned twice a year. Because I don't want to die of an abscessed tooth like my great grandfather, 'cause yeeeeesh, you guys. Talk about a rough way to go.  But between us, I would much rather get a colonoscopy.

So, what do I do about this, friends? I have to go back in July because they want to fill two cavities which they can't see in real life, but just divine are there through the magical powers vested in them by a digital x-ray machine.  God I hate them.  I HATE them.

Maybe I should switch dentists. But would another one be any better? Maybe I should just start getting kinda drunk right before I go?  Oh! Or maybe I should just have all my teeth pulled and get fitted with a nice set of dentures.

That's it: dentures! I'm going to get dentures.

So that's settled. Thanks, guys. Good talk.