Thursday, March 29, 2012

Patronizing Hugs

Oh, hi.

So, I had a thought and I figured I might as well tell you about it.

I haven't been getting very much sleep this week. I thought that was done with after Odessa turned two, but no. Now I just don't get any sleep for a different reason, which is that I have two jobs and a three year old on top of a pitiful attempt at a normal human life.

But walking around like a zombie all day for weeks on end really puts things in perspective.  Like it tells you things about yourself that you didn't know before.

Something I've realized about myself is that all I really want from somebody--anybody--is a long, patronizing hug.  Like the kind your dad would give you if you didn't make the Varsity soccer team, which didn't really matter very much because what business did you have playing Varsity soccer in the first place? I mean you're not even very good, and JV soccer is more your style anyway because all you do at practice is run a couple laps and then lie in the grass and hunt for four-leaf clovers and talk about high school boys and watch the Varsity girls working their asses off and yelling at each other. But you tried out anyway because it seemed like a good idea, but they didn't want you and now your feelings are hurt so your dad gives you a patronizing hug while you kind of whimper and whine about nobody liking you.  And he can't help but say something annoying like, "You'll forget about it before you're married."  Which, of course, ruins the patronizing hug and you try to pull away but he doesn't let you, which is what you wanted anyway.

The thing is, you don't get very many patronizing hugs after about age 17.  It's kind of a shame.

Now then. How about some songs?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Hank and Katherine's Survey: 2012 Edition

 I found this on Hank fan tumblr. So weird.
Every year my friends Hank and Katherine send out a survey to all their friends, and I always think hey, if I'm going to write something personal and/or embarrassing, I might as well throw it up on the old blog!  Because I have no secrets. Or, you know. Not very many.
  • What have you been up to for the last year? Well, Hank Green, entrepreneur, has given me a part-time writing job, so I've been able to go to half time at my nonprofit job. It's much more fulfilling situation--thanks Hanky! Also, Odessa got diagnosed with hearing loss so we've had hearing aids for a month and they're working out really well.  I got to go to Missoula a couple times in the past few months, which was great because I miss all my sweet people.  Turned 34 and started feeling like an old person for the first time. I also got really into washing my bras and tights in the washing machine in a delicates bag this year.  Soooooo. Otherwise, just living in Athens, Georgia which is my home sweet home!

  • Your favorite Christmas present: A new mattress that's made out of lumbar-supporting angels. Yeah, it was a little expensive, but totally worth it, as our last mattress was made out of hay...and like shards of glass and pieces of re-bar.
  • Who was your first celebrity crush? Edward Furlong from Terminator 2: Judgement Day.  I think you'll find I have what's considered "a type."
  •  Would you rather give up your favorite band or your favorite food? Band probably. I can't face never eating nachos again....

  • I say "over-rated" you think: Swiffers--specifically the kind that's supposed to "mop."

  • What did you do when you woke up this morning? I pretended to eat the wooden mushroom Odessa was holding in my face. 
  • The nearest object to your left elbow is all you have to fight off a do you do? A dining room chair from Ikea. I mean, maybe zombies are interested in discussing reasonably priced home goods with sleek European styling? I think I would work that angle first.  
  • Last time you were on a boat was... Sunday. I kayaked 9 miles of the Chattahoochee River. Wa-BLAM.

  • Last time you screamed? Last night: Odessa and I were playing Snow White and we were running away from the huntsman.
  • Favorite lyric of 2011? This is a tough question because although I like lyrics, I like melodies better. So sometimes a lyric just sounds really good with the melody and the singer's voice and the production and the instruments.  And sometimes a good lyric sounds pretty stupid even though it's actually super awesome because all the other stuff is wrong. Anyway, some of my favorite lyrics of 2011 came off that King Creosote and John Hopkins album Diamond Mine. But if it were produced differently or if King Creosote weren't Scottish, it'd probably be annoying.  Whatever--you asked, so I told you.

  • The text of the most recent text you received? "...we can even play footsie under the table." That Darla is such a scamp.

  • Now that the statute of limitations is out, did you ever cheat in school? Of course I did.  I'm not stupid. Multiple choice is designed specifically for cheaters.

  • Your unbreakable bad habit: Mental spiraling. SPIRALING.

  • A man has mysteriously been killed in your home and you are being accused...which fictional detective do you call? Sherlock Homes duh. Like Genevieve says, "The man is fucking good at solving mysteries."  
  • Mitt Romney or Newt Gingrich? Who are those people? I'm on Republican Primary strike 2012.  I mean if that's what you're talking about. I don't really know who those people are....
  • Phone rings at 2 AM...your thoughts: DEAD! WHO'S DEAD!?!????? Obviously.

  • Your favorite TV show is now your life. Which character are you? Ron Swanson is the boss. I only wish I could be like Ron Swanson. I'm probably Andy Dwyer, though.

  • Open your web browser, type an "s" into the URL bar...what does it auto-complete to? Sexworkers Anonymous. Oops, I mean Suntrust. 
  • If Johnny Depp sat next to you on an airplane, would you keep your shit together? I might actually even ask to be moved to a different seat because the pleasure would be entirely wasted on me. Famous people make me uncomfortable--no offense, Hank.

  • You've were wrong about which thing to believe so now you're in hell. What song is playing on the radio? Rush. Or some really poorly executed prog death metal. Whatever--it'll be some sort of "prog" something.

  • Favorite Curse? This changes pretty much every day.  Like today I busted out, "Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the Bless'd goddamn Donkey." You have to say it in an Irish accent.  It's mightily impressive when correctly executed. Which mine wasn't. Vicki does it really good--and with gusto.

  • What are you looking forward to? Summertime vegetables! Also my next consecutive days in which I don't have to work on anything.

  • How has the world changed in the last ten years? Everybody expects me to email them right back on my TELEPHONE. (BTW: I still don't have the capability to email you on my telephone, so....)

  • What's changed about you in the last ten years? I don't really worry much about what's wrong with me or about people not liking me. 10 years ago I would have chased somebody down the street yelling, "BUT WHYYYYY DON'T YOU LIKE ME? WHAT IS IT SPECIFICALLYYYY?"

Friday, March 16, 2012

The One Where I Do Something Stupid on Account of How Tired I Am

I'm so tired.  Like really tired.

You want me to prove it? Okay fine I will.

So, first let me tell you how tired I am.  I'm standing up, but I'm not alive in my soul. You know why? Because I work too goddamn much.

Anyway, last night I wrote this article until 3 am and then I had to go to work this morning. So I got, what--5 hours of sleep?  I usually require more than that.

I woke up this morning and put on some pants with yogurt on them and 2 socks that didn't match each other and probably a shirt--I can't remember which one. And then I didn't wash my face and then I stood in front of the kitchen counter staring at Odessa's uneaten cereal, trying to remember how to move my eyeballs to the left.  And Bryan was like, "you need coffee, huh?"

And I answered yes by trying to blink twice.

"Here," he said, reaching into the back of the coffee stuff shelf. "Make some coffee when you get to work."  And then he handed me a sort of dingy plastic bag full of brown powder.

I got to work and Chris, the guy I share an office with, said, "You look like hell" and I was like "thanks," and then I went to the kitchenette to make coffee.

At work we've got this little cheap coffeemaker which we don't use very often, but I put a filter in it and got out the bag that Bryan handed  me.  I noticed it was really finely ground coffee, but whatever--Bryan has his ways when it comes to coffee, and I'm pretty sure one of them is grinding his coffee really fine.  Or else really coarse? It's one of those. I can't remember.

Anyway, so I heaped like 5 big tablespoons of the stuff into the coffee machine and turned it on and then stood staring at it for a few minutes. Because I really needed to the coffee to be done.

So then it was finally done and I poured a cup and put milk in it and walked back to my office and took my first sip just as I was walking in the door. Which is when I realized Bryan had handed me a baggie full of chili powder as I was walking out of the house.

He handed me a bag of chili powder.

Chili powder.

I am so tired that this morning I made a pot of coffee with chili powder.

It tasted like the asshole of a dying star.  Just terrible.

Monday, March 12, 2012


Last week Odessa turned three. (Why yes, I DID keep her alive for three whole years! Take THAT, People Who Thought I Couldn't!) But here's the thing: I didn't think I'd have to look up minimum age requirements for marriage in the state of Georgia so early. (In case you were interested: a minor needs to be 16 years old and have the consent of both parents unless the bride is pregnant, in which case no parental signature is required.  Jesus, be merciful....)

So anyway, there's this boy named Ben. That's him with Odessa on the right.  He's a pretty normal 3-year-old boy: he's into trains and bears, he's got a bowl cut, he's already figured out how to make a fist and punch somebody in the face.  No surprises there.

But that little kid is the King of Odessa's Heart. He figures into literally every conversation she initiates, she's constantly bringing home little gifts from him, last week when I took cupcakes to her class for her birthday, they sat at their assigned seats at separate tables, holding hands behind their backs, getting up every so often to grope each other.  Their teachers are like, "There have been years when we've had couples in class before, but really nothing like this."

Which is just exactly the way I'd want my daughter to distinguish herself! (And that, Friends, is an example of a type of verbal irony called sarcasm.)

But here's the thing: they are SO happy together, it's difficult to know where to draw the line.  I mean they basically look like this all day long:

Sweet Mothering Sunday, I will put up with any amount of foolishness if my daughter will make this face once a day for the rest of her life.  People who make this face every day live to be like 1000 years old.

Anyway, I tell people about Ben and Odessa and they're like, "How is it that these toddlers are having such tender feelings for each other? Aren't they kinda young for romance?"

And I'm like, "Weeeeeelll." And then I change the subject, because here's the thing: I think she might have inherited it from me.  Because I was exactly the same way when I was three.  

And it's okay right now: love at three is totally manageable and adorable and even heart-swelling.  But at 14, this shit is coming back to bite me in the butt. And I'm going to be like, DAMN YOU, GENETICS!!!!