Sunday, January 16, 2011

Astrologate 2011

Excuse me, but what the hell is going on?

You know what I feel like? I feel like Astrology needs a way better PR person because no less than SIX people have applied to me in the past two days in a dither about no longer being a Scorpio or whatever. ("I like being a Scorpio! Plus I have a Scorpio tattoo on my neck, so what now?") And I'm getting absolutely no support from the International League of Astrologers or whoever's in charge of this stuff.

So, if you haven't heard, we're all supposed to have different astrological signs now. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read this, or I'll just tell you: Basically an astronomer by the name of Parke Kunkle (that's right--get in line, ladies!) told a Minnesota newspaper this week that the whole astronomical premise for Astrology isn't even correct anymore (due to Earth's wobble, the sun no longer passes through the constellations of the Zodiac at the same time that it did when Astrology was invented eleventy-grillion years ago, blah blah blah), so each sign in the Zodiac is technically off by about a month. Also, the ancient Babylonians had this thing against the number 13, so they decided to leave the constellation of a man wrastlin' a python out of the Zodiac all together to make it more aesthetically pleasing, even though Ophiuchus the snake charmer is technically in the same band of constellations as Aries the ram, Taurus the bull, Gemini the twins, &c.

All this isn't exactly news to anybody--at least not to astronomers or astrologers--but something about this week and Professor Kunkle's statement and the alignment of the stars (har har) came together in just the right way to make everybody freak the hell out. So, my friends have been applying to me for advice on how to proceed as an Ophiuchus when they've spent their entire lives as a Saggitarius because I'm the only person they know who actually believes that stuff. Or rather, I'm the only person they know who freely admits to believing that stuff.

I do. It's true.

The reason for my undying loyalty to the astrological arts has to do with my grandmother's friend Judy Shaw. Judy went through a stage in the early 90's in which she dressed like Stevie Nicks and carried a pack of Tarot cards in her purse. I remember her coming over to Virginia's house one night when I was about 12, and as the ladies were talking, I sat in the corner and pretended to read a book while I listened to them gossip about people I didn't know. In the middle of their conversation, Virginia turned around to see if anyone was listening, and realized I was there. "THAT one!" she hollered. "THAT one' s been following me around this house all week! She won't play outside and she just reads Harlequin romances and listens to me talk on the phone!"(For the record, it's true--that's exactly what I had been doing.) Judy smiled at me and said, "She's a Capricorn--she's collecting data." And even though I had no idea what that meant, I was like THANK YOU! Because all of a sudden, after a week of being told to go play outside and to stop reading trash, and why did I want to watch soap operas anyway?, Judy defended me with my own personality. I thought it was brilliant.

So, now I'm the person that everyone applies to when they start dating an Aries or are about to give birth to a Cancer. Or when some guy with a telescope decides to break it to us that we're not the people we thought we were.

Well, I don't know what to say about Parke Kunkle' allegations, but I do want to say this: if Mick Jagger isn't a Leo, I have no faith in gravity or the multiplication tables.

Also, I've dated FOUR Pisces in a row, and I can tell you a thing or two about a Pisces. Call me. Also, Leos and Scorpios are always going to think it's a good idea to fall in love with each other, but it very rarely is. Additionally, try not to argue with an Aquarius, don't rifle through a Virgo's things because she'll definitely notice, and it's always a good idea to wait until he's over 40 to marry a Sagittarius.

And I'm not sure what to say about Ophiuchus. You're going to have to Google him.


  1. i'm still a taurus, even with the change. OBVIOUSLY! so taurean.
    but hank is apparently now an aries, which actually makes more sense, don't you think?

  2. So glad to have your thoughts on this subject -- I, too, felt like I should call you as soon as I heard about Ophiucus, but I never actually did...I waited until later to call and had forgotten all about it. Is that Sagittariun?

  3. Speaking of drivel, what is the big deal about 2012 and them planets lining up on the Solstice, and the Mayan Calendar running out and the government selling time shares in coal mines and salt domes cause something worse than than Y2K is coming...your planets got anything to do with this? Do you have an opinions or info on this...maybe ole Ophiucus has something to do with this mess in the making.

  4. Well, I apparently am now a Pisces and I teach people about fishes

    and Drew is still a Saggitarius and since he just became dateable at 30... it fits us!