Thursday, September 13, 2012

The List

Dear You,

It's late on Bryan's night out and I'm stuck by myself at home after a kind of horrible day.  It's probably been in the Top 5 Suckface Days of 2012.  Odessa's sleeping, but the house is really messy, I can't settle on anything to do, and I'm the kind of disheartened that even a long shower can't fix.  I'm just terrible at this.

The good news is, I've got a list of things I do when nothing seems good:

1. Talk to somebody who isn't me
2. Snuggle somebody who isn't me
3. Yoga
4. Take a shower
5. Take a walk
6. Write something
7. Paint my fingernails
8. Find something to laugh at
9. Take pictures of stuff

My apologies to the OCD among you. I know I should have 10, but I don't feel like thinking of another one. Sometimes there are just nine of something.

Anyway, here's my list of excuses why I have a list of things that make me feel better, but I'm still not currently feeling any better:

1. 11 PM is not an appropriate hour to call a friend and say, "I'm feeling blue," because then my friend would be like, "OMGdoyouhavearazorbladeinyourhand!?"

And then I'd just have to be all, "No, it's not like that--it's just so boring and stupid and I'm a hideous ogre that everybody hates." And then my friend would put her mouth guard back in and be like, "Fixth fixth advithe advithe advithe, you okay, honey? I luff you but I'fe got a thing thamorrow."  And then she'd hang up and I'd still be feeling blue.

2. Odessa would wake up if I tried to snuggle her, and there'd be hell to pay.  Bryan's at the bar. There's nobody left to snuggle except Nastycat over here.  You know, I've actually considered going to raves, because I've heard people are always trying to cuddle you at raves, but everybody I've vetted it with thinks that's basically my worst idea ever.  And I've had some bad ideas.

3. I would do yoga, but there's too much shit on the floor.  And to clean the shit off the floor would add "cleaning rage" to my already overwhelming list of complaints.  Sorry body, sorry mind, sorry Holy Ghost.

4. I took a shower already.  I even deep conditioned, toner-ed and moisturized.  I plucked my eyebrows. Nothing.

5. I can't take a walk because Odessa's in the house asleep, and what if somebody's in the bushes, waiting for me to leave so they can sneak in and kidnap her and sell her to a nice Mormon family? Better not.

6.  I AM writing something.  Results pending.

7. I would have to take my current polish off, and that's too hard and lame.

8. I just tried to watch TV and it was just too hard and lame.

9.  What am I going to take pictures of? My dirty house? My zit cream face? This gross topless Barbie?

I think Barbie there pretty much sums it up.

Anyway, this is what I wanted to know: what do YOU do to make yourself feel better?

I need your advice.  Please don't say online shopping.

Your sincere friend and advocate,



  1. Pulling up karyoke versions of songs on youtube and singing my lungs out (slightly quieter lungs-out singing if kidlets are asleep). The more ridiculous the better. Total Eclipse of the Heart is really good for this purpose.

  2. i make lists of things that make me smile. or better yet, things that made me smile that day. sometimes its amazing to me to realize that i can usually get a pretty good list going even on the worst of days... that tends to cheer me up.

  3. Make and eat an entire pan of brownies while reading Mary Oliver.

    Or, if there are so many dirty dishes in the sink that the mere thought of anything kitchen-related accelerates the downward spiral of misery, read a trashy novel in which everyone is worse off than I am. Susan Isaacs is good for this.

  4. Jesslyn
    First of all, your eleven o'clock is my eight, and if you were to call me I'd probably mostly talk about myself instead of giving you mouthguard-enhanced advice. For better or worse.

    When I'm trying to feel better I cry, preferably with an audience. I call my mom -- she must think I am never happy, because I always call her when I'm down. I lay on my enormous lambskin and stare at things. I make tapioca pudding. I eat it all. I pet the Squinch.

  5. You know, Jess, playing that little guitar we got fixed and singing quietly, or rebuilding Mean Ass big block 454 Chebby engine might help. Cleaning miniature doll houses, and pretending it's your own might help...

    why you always gots to have peoples? I guess it's a skill that comes with age...sometimes you just gotta' to sit in the middle of your mess with a glass of wine and enjoy... with no pressure. May the force be with you, Chile.

  6. a glass (or bottle, depending) of wine and 7 hours of P&P, of course. how else COULD a funk be lifted?

  7. Everybody, you guys are so sweet. I'm adding to my list of things to make me feel better: karaoke, list making, brownies/Mary Oliver (aka, the Perspective-ator!), crying in front of people, playing guitar/fixing a Chevy, calling myself and watching the Pride and Prejudice BBC miniseries. THANKS! Mwahmwahmwahmwah!