Ahem. I hope this finds you well.
You and I are both in Missoula, Montana, lying in bed with a greyhound named Lemon. We're having a romantic time of it, as she keeps shoving her butt into our armpit. Because you're inside my body and might not be able to see out, this is what Lemon looks like:
Sorry, not a very good photo.
Okay, so, Immune System.
I don't want to hurt your feelings and I hope you are able take this critique of your work in the spirit in which it is intended: one of respect and sincere faith in your abilities as a professional with over three decades of on-the-ground experience. However, I feel it's time to have a frank discussion about your performance.
I'm just wondering: why is it every time we fly anyplace, you fail me? Yes, I know it's cold here--for reference, this is what we looked like yesterday morning:
And we look okaayyy! Maybe a little like we just woke up? Like we'd prefer to go back indoors because we're only wearing a t-shirt and jammiepants. Like we're slightly uncomfortable photographing ourselves with our laptop in front of a lady approaching on our left who is walking a terrier wearing a terrier-jacket. But otherwise, we look regular--I mean pretty healthy, right?
And you want to see what we look like this morning?
Those eyes are glassy, Immune System. That woman is pale as shit and blowing her nose on the shirt she wore yesterday. Perhaps the purple rings under her eyes aren't as pronounced as they could be in this particular photograph because I do have a little self-respect, and this is on The Internet, after all.
And--by the way--I just tried to ask Lemon if she wanted to go outside? And I appear to be losing my voice. Which is the last straw. The LAST Straw. Because talking is kinda my thing, Immune System. You know that.
So what I'm saying, My Immune System, is we've got problems that need solutions. And this isn't the first time this has happened. Rather, this happens every single time.
What I'm saying is your shoddy workmanship is bringing us down. The rest of our internal systems require that you do your job properly. I am looking forward to seeing an immediate improvement in your job performance.
Thanks for your time and attention.
Respectfully and Sincerely Yours,