The Horror

I'm not someone who enjoys being horrified. Some people like it, and so they go see horror movies. I saw a horror movie once, and I can no longer meet identical twins without nearly peeing myself. I saw Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom when I was seven, and I had nightmares until I was 15. (Yes, I consider Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom to be in the horror genera. Laugh if you must.)

So, I went to the movies today with Hank and Katherine. We saw The Hangover at the dollar theater because it is monsoon season here in Georgia and the internet at our house has been napping. (Seriously. I'm all "Ok, Internet, FIRE THE MISSILES!" And the Internet's like "But I'm le tired." It's pitiful.) Anyway, the movie was funny, but I would have died twice if my mom had been there. No joke--it featured no fewer than 3 discrete penises, and I left the theater once to pee, so I might have missed a couple of them. But really, what I wanted to bring up is the previews. Something must be done about the previews.

I've only seen one feature-length horror movie, but I've seen a couple more horror movie trailers. You want to know what they were? Ok, I'll tell you, because each one of them is seared into my brain. In no particular order: The Others, The Ring, and The Strangers. (Aside: why do all the really scary movies have names beginning with the definite article? The Exorcist, The Amityville Horror, The Haunting, The Shining, The Blair Witch Project. Maybe things are scarier if it seems like there is just one of them...). The preview for The Strangers scared me so bad that two full weeks after I saw it, I found myself in a situation in which I was pleading with Bryan not to leave the house after nightfall because I was sure there were people with paper bags over their heads lurking next to the refrigerator.

Anyway, today we went to the movies to see a comedy and ended up seeing previews for Sorority Row and The Orphan. WHY? Whyyyyyyyy? I don't think I had ever gone to see a movie and been made to watch a horror movie preview before. Sure, if you're going to see a horror movie, go ahead and roll'em. I don't give a care. But they seriously stress me out. They all start with some nice music and laughing children, and they end with a little girl eating the liver out of her adopted father....

Or so I imagine. My eyes were closed.