Sunday, November 29, 2009

Pestilence and Family Planning

When, do you think, is it appropriate to give a particular illness a special name? For example, I wonder when the people at the CDC called a meeting in Board Room 4 and decided, "this pig flu has really started busting chops down there in Mexico, and it's got the Koreans breaking out their paint scraping face masks. What should we call it? We've got to come up with a name that TV news anchors can use, and then another one that scientists and highly educated white people can use. Think people, THINK!" Similarly, I can imagine the Cardinals sitting around in a chapel in Vatican City in 1347 saying things like "'The Bubonic/Pneumonic/ Septicemic Plague' isn't very catchy and doesn't sound very... tough. How about 'The Black Plague'? That does sound frightening, what?"

I wonder what they're going to name our family's illness once it goes pandemic? I'm voting for "The Odessa Crud," but frankly, they probably won't even give us credit for it. It's just like Them. They'll probably blame it on squirrels or stray cats. Because cute babies aren't vectors for pestilence and disease, are they? Think again, friends.

I would like to take a moment of your time for a quick public service announcement.

Dear Readers,
I firmly believe that The Children are our future, and that we must treat them well, and perhaps even let them lead the way sometimes. HOWEVER, with a capital "H." For those of you who are for the moment childless, if you have a baby one of these fine days, while I am sure it will be adorable and very gifted, it will get sick. It's just what babies do. All kinds of people are going to tell you your child won't get sick if you breast feed for the first year or slip probiotics into their mashed pears or give them all kinds of foul smelling liquid vitamins. These are all deplorable falsehoods and should be ignored. Your baby will get sick, and sometime during the first year, you will find yourself with the flu at 3:30 in the morning holding in your arms a baby who is bellowing as if you had just soaked her in kerosene and lit her on fire. Please discuss this scenario with your partner and plan accordingly.

1 comment:

  1. you're not doing much for my baby-wanting over here...