Saturday, December 3, 2011


So, last night Vicki and I were complaining about how busy we all the time are, and the subject of extramarital affairs came up: namely, how anybody ever manages to find the time to have one.

I know, I know: where there's a will, there's a way.

But listen you guys, I'm currently working a full-time job in addition to a halftime job, in addition to being the mother of a toddler, the household chef, shopper, bathroom cleaner, and I'm on two nonprofit boards. Plus, I have to shower sometimes. So, there is literally not one hour of any given day when my time isn't spoken for in some legitimate way. However, I know that there are a lot busier people out there who are, like me and Vic, married to men and women of character. Or, you know, maybe not of character, but it doesn't really actually matter.... The point is a lot of those people find the time to seriously mega-philander. Take JFK, for instance. That guy, you guys: he was the PRESIDENT. He had a 24-hour security detail, and he managed to get it on with....god, so many women who weren't his wife.

So, like I said, people accomplish the things in their life that really matter to them. And if boning matters that much, you'll find a way to get it done.

But for average people...who even has the time? I mean, people do--all the time. I'm just not sure I understand how. Vicki and I were talking about it, and we came up with a list of occupations that would actually jibe with the adulterer's lifestyle. Here's the list, but I want you to feel free to come up with your own ideas.
  • Flight attendant, duh
  • Message therapist, duh
  • Actual therapist or any client-based occupation wherein you're always having to make appointments.
  • Cab driver
  • Truck driver
  • Ice cream truck driver
  • Custodian
  • Traveling pharmaceutical salesperson
  • People without children
  • Roadie
  • Somebody with a part time job and also a trust fund who also teaches yoga.
  • Prince. You know, like the Prince of Someplace, but also just Prince.
  • This lady:

Because obviously, she's down for whatever.

So, I'm not asking why people cheat because I realize that's very complicated and situation-specific. But there are people out there who have like TWO SEPARATE FAMILIES that remain blissfully unaware of each other. How do those people manage it? AND WHY? I'm pretty sure I'd rather do open-faced surgery on myself with a fork. Just thinking about it is giving me ulcerative colitis.

Speaking of which, I've got to write an essay about Marie Curie now. Who, it turns out, had a relationship with a married man after Pierre got hit by a horse-drawn carriage.

Marie!? Weren't you supposed to be in the lab isolating radium-cholride or something?! Good Lord.

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