I went to the dentist today. Basically this lady sprayed sand all over my face and then poked my gums with needles and razors. Then I paid them $124.
Sometimes people ask me, "do you like your dentist?" And I'm like, "no." And they're all, "how come?" And that's when I have to explain that it's nothing personal: I hate all dentists. Mine's not special. Dentists are just the worst people in the world. No, I take that back: dental hygienists are the worst people in the world. Dentists are the second worst. And the third worst are the ladies who work at the front desk at the dentist's office.
So, I'm prone to cavities and I grind my teeth! What of it? Here's what of it: I end up having to be one of those people who actually flosses and gets my teeth professionally cleaned twice a year. Because I don't want to die of an abscessed tooth like my great grandfather, 'cause yeeeeesh, you guys. Talk about a rough way to go. But between us, I would much rather get a colonoscopy.
So, what do I do about this, friends? I have to go back in July because they want to fill two cavities which they can't see in real life, but just divine are there through the magical powers vested in them by a digital x-ray machine. God I hate them. I HATE them.
Maybe I should switch dentists. But would another one be any better? Maybe I should just start getting kinda drunk right before I go? Oh! Or maybe I should just have all my teeth pulled and get fitted with a nice set of dentures.
That's it: dentures! I'm going to get dentures.
So that's settled. Thanks, guys. Good talk.